Archive for April 3rd, 2007

Tales from the Gym – Of Love and Theft

Someone stole my favorite bikini from the gym. The last time I remember having it was in the shower, post-sauna. Then, all of a sudden, I was at home emptying my gym bag and my bikini was no where to be found. There are limitless scenarios I suppose: a discrete episode of spontaneous combustion, a post-workout trip to Goodwill followed by a temporary lobotomy, or my favorite as proffered by Sam, “il a eu envie de prendre sa liberte”. My bikini wanted its freedom (and so it ran away).

The far less exciting possibility is that I took the bikini off in the shower, as I am wont to do, and then wandered back to my locker clad in a towel, leaving it behind.

But still, someone obviously found it. They could have turned it in to lost and found, or kept it, or thrown it away. Sad, so sad! It was the color of cabernet, with a bandeau top and a perfect fit… I looked in every shower stall and checked with Alis, the keeper of the lost and found, on two subsequent days but to no avail. It’s gone.

In an attempt to cheer me up, Alis launched a thirty minute tirade against People Who Steal In The Gym. Apparently it happens all the time. Bathing suits, bras, towels, flip-flops… As Alis queried the locker-room population in general, “What’s a thief going to do with a bunch of old, used up flip-flops and underwear?” I objected to the characterization on behalf of my bikini, but agreed with the sentiment. But Alis wasn’t done yet. “One time, a woman had her bra stolen. And she accused everyone in sight! Now she had some big ha-has on her. And, look at me; do you think I could wear her bra? What am I going to do with such a thing?”

Another lady in the locker room suggested that thieves probably steal first, then check the label second. If it fits, they keep it. If it doesn’t but still has a good name, they give it to a friend or, horror of horrors, sell it on-line.

There’s a black market for stolen pre-owned swimsuits, and my gym is a major supplier!

Dejected, I slunk into the sauna but took comfort from the fact that Alis continued to rail about profligate swimsuit theft and the general degeneration of society to everyone who came into the locker room for the next half hour.

Later, as I was packing up my things to go, Alis made a lap through the locker room singing “What the world needs now… is love sweet love.” She has a way about her, Alis. She would come right up to the ladies one by one – all of whom were in flagrant states of semi-undress – singing at the top of her lungs, then pause mid-lyric, mouth open, eyebrows and expectations raised. “What the world needs now, is …? …? …? …?” It forced even the most mute and recalcitrant of non-speaking anti-socials to sing forth in a warbling voice: “love…? sweet love…?”

And so as I left the gym, mourning the loss of my cabernet-colored bandeau-topped perfect-fitting bikini, I was comforted by Alis and her impromptu chorus who reminded me that if there was a little more love in the world, there would probably be less theft.

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