Archive for March 30th, 2007

Tales From the Gym – Police Raid!

Today the gym police came screaming into the sauna.

“There’s no food allowed in here!”
“And you can’t be naked either!”
“If you aren’t wearing a bathing suit, and if you’re snacking, you must leave now!”

I wonder if that last sentence has ever been uttered before in the history of the English language?

Interestingly, this all took place in the steam sauna, and we were in the midst of “the opaque season” – those moments when thick vapor pervades and you can’t even see your own foot, much less the naked snackers. The perpetrators could have simply stopped chewing and held very still… no one would have been able to find them. What are the gym police going to do – pat their hands along the benches until they find incriminating evidence? And yet, in spite of being perfectly invisible, several recidivists stood up and filed out of the sauna.

I’ve heard of people being released from jail on their own recognizance. They don’t have to pay bail because they’re neither a flight risk nor a danger to the community. But being “caught” on one’s own recognizance?

Maybe all the naked snacking was actually a cry for help…

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Tales From the Gym – Sartorial Subterfuge Takes a Violent Turn

I spotted the wig again today – the brunette waist length wig with broad vertical stripes of maroon. It was hanging on a hook outside of a shower stall, again. No one was in the shower, and there were no hairless people in sight. The truly peculiar thing, though, is that the wig was there when I arrived at the gym, and still there when I left two hours later. Now, either the owner of the wig got sucked into the drainpipe in the shower… or the dimensional portal has opened up again and my gym has become some kind of battle ground where scalps are collected and hung up amongst the towels in the shower room.

Wikipedia tells me that the Visigoths were avid ninth-century scalpers; perhaps the Visigoths are here to chase the Vikings from a few weeks ago out of the sauna? How else, besides a TARDIS, would the Visigoths and the Vikings have an opportunity to battle each other?

It sort of makes me think of fantasy baseball leagues, where players can pit the 1984 incarnation of one team against the 2001 version of another team – thus capturing both at their highest moments of glory in the way that only the time-defiant can do.

Maybe whoever parked the TARDIS in my sauna is playing fantasy “Early Medieval Epic Battles.” “You know what would be soooo cool? If we could get the Visigoths from when they were sacking the Roman Empire in the fifth-century, and make them fight the ninth-century Vikings… and… and… since Scandanavia and Rome are too far apart, we’ll have them fight in Los Angeles, 2007!”

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Tales From the Gym – The Society of Random Picnickers II

The showers in my gym all have doors – save one. It’s at the end of a row, and since it’s set deeply into the wall, offers semi-privacy. As I was entering the shower next door, I caught a brief glimpse of an arm – just an arm – as it swept through an arc. At the end of the arm was a hand… holding a half-eaten pickle.

Add comment March 30th, 2007